


SpideyTube: Spider-Man Gets a YouTube Channel

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [8]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, Bad Puns, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Halloween, Humor, Internet, Peter Volunteers, Peter can dance, Peter can sing, Peter is a Little Shit, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Precious Peter Parker, Puns & Word Play, Social Media, Spider-Man Interacting with New Yorkers, Video, YouTube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-01-02 09:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21159143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: The video begins with a blue and red costumed figure in a brightly lit laboratory, hunched over a workbench with his elbows propping him up, hands clasped calmly in front of him. Everything is clean white and stainless steel, and obviously high quality."Hey guys!" He gives the camera a jaunty two fingered salute. "I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! So I've created this YouTube channel because I've been toying with the idea for a little while and I've gotten an overwhelming response from all of you guys. So here we are."





	1. Hello, World!

**Author's Note:**

> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.

The video begins with a blue and red costumed figure in a brightly lit laboratory, hunched over a workbench with his elbows propping him up, hands clasped calmly in front of him. Everything is clean white and stainless steel, and obviously high quality.

"Hey guys!" He gives the camera a jaunty two fingered salute. "I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! For those of you who don't know me, I'm an enhanced vigilante based in Queens, New York. I've been around a few years and I spend my evenings patrolling the neighborhood, stopping crimes and just generally helping people. Though I am not an Avenger at this time, we do spend a lot of time together, both socializing and training, and occasionally our paths cross and we team up."

He straightens his posture to stand fully upright and braces his fingertips against the benchtop. "You can recognize me by my signature blue and red costume, as you can see from what I am wearing right now," he gestures with a hand down his torso, "and by the webs that I use to travel around and subdue criminals!" A brief clip plays in the top corner of the screen that demonstrates Spider-Man web slinging from building to building, and then cuts to another clip of him webbing a gun out of a mugger's hand before clouting him. "You may notice I am wearing a mask, and that is completely on purpose. My identity is a closely guarded secret!" He taps the side of his nose and his left eye lens winks at the camera.

He claps his hands together once and then clasps them together to keep from fidgeting, "So I've created this YouTube channel because I've been toying with the idea for a little while and I've gotten an overwhelming response from all of you guys. So here we are. Now, I'm a super busy dude so there's not going to be a whole lot of editing put into these, consider yourself warned. Mostly I'll be filming with my drone, which I'll show you in a minute, so that I can record hands free and get through my day without any extra hassle from trying to film these videos."

The video cuts and Spider-Man now has a small black device on the benchtop in front of him. He has apparently switched cameras because the video quality has changed.

"Okay so this is Droney." He holds up the small black device and it is revealed to be spider-shaped as he rotates it to show the camera.

"He's my special little guy and he lives on my chest! That signature spider on my chest is not just a design, it's a camera! It records all goings on when I'm in my suit. We use this footage in a variety of ways. Firstly, we use it as evidence against the criminals I fight. The police use it in court to help put them away and get them off the streets. We also use it to exonerate me from any perceived wrongdoing. Sometimes confrontations can get messy and people like to throw blame to get heat off of themselves. I have video evidence for when that heat comes down on me. It has saved my bacon more than once! Uh, and we also use it so that if a situation escalates and my teammates need to be able to see what's going on, or if I get put out of commission and can't communicate what happened, they can review the footage. Thankfully that last one doesn't happen too often!" Spider-Man exaggeratedly wipes his forehead with the back of his hand and huffs out a dramatic, "Phew!"

He gestures at the gadget. "Okay so Droney just lives on my chest and passively records audio and video. But I can also activate him like so," he says as he depresses pressure points on each side of the spider which causes two tiny red LED lights to light up where the eyes would be, "and he comes to life! He is named Droney because obviously, as you can see here, he is actually a drone." It lifts into the air to hover in front of him with a quiet hum. "He can hover near me and get more of an eagle eye vantage point, or I can send him on ahead and he can scout for me." With a subtle pointing gesture with his pointer and middle fingers the drone whirs and buzzes across the room in that direction and leaves the frame to disappear somewhere into the lab. "I'll be using Droney for these videos, along with security footage from FRIDAY. FRIDAY, if you don't know, is Tony Stark's artificial intelligence. She is programmed into all of Tony's tech including the Avengers compound itself. She's not installed in my tech however, since I have my own equivalent of FRIDAY, called Karen. Say hi, Karen!"

"Hello!" a cool, slightly robotic-sounding voice responds, "I am Karen, Spider-Man's artificial intelligence. I am present in all of Spider-Man's technology and I help him in all kinds of ways so that he can help keep you safe."

Spider-Man nods and the fabric around his mouth crinkles in a smile, "Thanks Karen! Pretty cool, right?"

Droney whirs back into frame and Spider-Man reaches up to grab him and the camera cuts again. The video quality has changed and Droney is no longer visible, suggesting that Spider-Man has switched to his drone for the rest of filming.

"So I just wanted to make this video to introduce myself, which I have done, and to introduce you to Droney and Karen, which I have also done, so that just leaves me with where I am." He gestures at his surroundings with his arms spread wide, "You're probably wondering where I am currently. This is, of course, my lab. As one of the scientists on the team, or, well, unofficially on the team I guess, Tony was kind enough to give me lab space at the Avenger's compound so I have space to work. Here, I work on my own tech and help him with tech for the other Avengers when I have time.

"This next part is going to be easier without the suit, since I'll need my bare hands," he holds up his hands and gives his fingers a wiggle, "so I'll just-" he snaps his fingers and instantly reappears still in his mask wearing a navy blue t-shirt and jeans with the magic of video editing, "get changed!" He chuckles.

He beckons at the camera with a finger and the drone follows him across the room until he comes to a stop in front of a set of drawers and several long cupboard doors. He places his thumb against a pad next to the doors and with a beep and a green light the doors click open. "This," he gestures inside, "is where I store some of my suits. Particularly the ones I am currently working on or am not currently using. Let me show you a couple."

He gestures at the first one closest to him, displayed on a mannequin with Spider-Man's proportions, sans the mask which he is still wearing.

"This one, of course, is the one I just had on, the Advanced Suit. This one was designed and made by me most recently. You'll notice the white spider on the front, in contrast to the usual black one. This means, of course, that there is no Droney in this one! There is still a pinhole camera in there since all my suits have cameras, but it isn't a drone. So I'll likely wear a different suit, that I'll show you next, when I want to film things out in the field for you guys." He points to the arms and knuckles of the suit, "It's also got some white designs down the forearms and backs of the hands and knuckles. I think it looks pretty cool! But it's also functional: it's actually armor reinforced with a steel core, so that helps protect me a little if things get crazy. I was tempted to go vibranium but it's still crazy hard to get hold of right now so steel it was. Tony is currently talking to King T'Challa about getting his hands on some to play with so my next mark could have some in there! Exciting stuff!"

He closes the doors with a click and the biometric scanner turns red and beeps as it locks. He moves to the next set of doors and repeats the process to open them.

"This is one of a couple that Tony designed and made for me. It's one of my favorites! I call it, appropriately, the Stark Suit."

He points to the chest where the usual black spider resides. "See? Droney! I'll probably be wearing this one a lot in these videos, since I'll have more options for filming." He runs a hand down the arm in reverence. "This one means a lot to me, actually." He smiles at the camera, his eye lenses squinting. "This was the first thing Tony made for me. He gave it to me just before that mess in Germany, shortly after we met. It was the first time I had a HUD in my mask, and was when I first met Karen! She has been in every subsequent mark since then. And since Tony Stark designed it, you know it looks cool!" He chuckles warmly before closing the display and moving on.

"I'll do one more or else we'll be here all day. If you want to see more maybe I can make a part two another day." He reveals the last suit, one that is solid black. "I call this the Stealth Suit. I'm sure you can guess why!" He laughs.

"This one is obviously more for stealth missions. Considering how agile I am, and my ability to defy gravity by sticking to walls and ceilings, I am a prime candidate for stealth operations. It's less spider themed and more tactical by design. A flashy red and blue number just wouldn't have the same advantages in the situations this one is meant for. Again, Karen is installed in this one which is very handy with regards to communicating with the team, and the lenses even flip open in case I need that extra edge to surveil something." He demonstrates by flipping the lenses up to reveal empty eye holes. "The downside being if I use this feature in front of others they'll see my eyes. While it is just one feature of my face, eyes can often be very identifying. Luckily, I wouldn't imagine needing to use this suit or that feature in front of many, if any at all, people who don't know me. So this will probably be your only look at this particular suit!" He gives the camera a shrug and closes the doors with a snap and a beep.

He turns to face the camera and casually crosses his arms, lean muscles flexing as he leans back against the closed cupboard. "Alright so I'm gonna leave it there. I figure I can show you where I synthesize the webs another day, and maybe show you a few of my gadgets-"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

Spider-Man is cut off mid sentence by the sound off screen of the lab doors sliding open and the deafening shout from a very recognizable voice followed by the scurrying of footsteps fleeing immediately afterwards. Spider-Man's eye lenses widen in panic and he looks side to side for escape but has nowhere to go as a small red metal sphere flies into frame and promptly detonates, splattering Spider-Man and his surroundings in webs. After a disbelieving moment in complete stillness, the sound of the doors opening again and amused giggling make Spider-Man's eyes narrow and then blink as a camera flash blinds him momentarily. The doors swish open once more as the culprit obviously chooses to make a strategic exit.

"-like that one." Spider-Man reluctantly finishes. "Did he really just-?" Spider-Man asks the air.

"Yes," Karen answers the rhetorical question, amused.

Spider-Man glares at the camera before inhaling a deep, calming breath before noisily exhaling.

"Make sure to like and subscribe for future videos where you'll see me eviscerate genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, Tony Stark."

The video fades to black as Spider-Man hangs his head in defeat, cocooned in his own webs and plastered to the floor and the cupboard behind him, and mutters, "Karen, solvent please." The sprinklers in the ceiling above him engage with a hiss and he is drenched as the webs begin melting down his body to swirl into the drain near his feet.

* * *

Comments:�

**IcedAquarius **

LOL that look of defeat

**Bluecookiedough **

I can't believe he created a YouTube channel! This is the greatest day of my life!

**2kimmy2 **

That stealth suit looks sexy af, wish I could see him wear it

**Isi1dur **

I had no idea Tony Stark was such a little shit, that's hilarious

**Grande_Crosse **

Spidey looked so mad, Stark is such an asshole

**Parkour_Luck **

It was clearly just a joke, don't take it so seriously

**Rocnarok **

He completely trashed his lab, dick move! Didn't even stick around to help him clean up!

**AnonymousLi **

Wow what a jerk!

**Readingisthenewcool **

Omg I would kill for a lab like that

**Kiiyu **

Was that really Tony Stark GIGGLING that I heard?! I had no idea I needed this in my life.

**BrightEyedAthene **

Spiderman is so precious

**TotallyNotDeadpool **

My favorite suit is the boxers with tiny spiderman faces on them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the first chapter title is called "Hello, World!" because that is the traditional first program a programmer makes when they are studying computer science. I am a programmer by profession and couldn't resist for Spidey's first video. ;) Kudos to you if you picked up on the reference.


	2. Test Dummies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now how about I show you-" he cuts his own sentence off mid-thought. "Wait." He turns to look straight into the camera, his pointer finger raised in the air, "I've just had a thought." He rubs his hands together with relish, "Poor ol' Gustav is down for the count, I say we let him sleep it off. I'm sure we can find a few other dummies around here to demonstrate on." His eye lenses narrow as he smirks.

"Hey guys, it's your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!" He salutes the camera with two fingers, eyes squinting in a smile. He is once again in his lab, situated behind a workbench and wearing his signature mask, black jeans, and a black shirt with a bold red and gold Iron Man mask printed in the center of his chest.

"First of all," he says, leaning over the bench to rest on his elbows, "Thanks so much for all the love in your comments on my first video. It's great to see you guys are excited to see more of me in situations like this and to get to know me better, and I'm looking forward to that too!"

He sits upright and becomes a bit more serious. "Secondly, guys, please don't blast Tony! As you can see since I'm wearing his merch' currently," he plucks at the t-shirt, "we're still friends. We're completely good, it was just a practical joke!" He laughs lightly before continuing, "he got me good, fair and square. He was watching the security feed through FRIDAY and knew I was finishing up and wouldn't be ruining any works in progress or anything like that. It's totally common, in fact," he leans further over the table, closer to the camera as though imparting a secret, "it's a bit of a running gag around here. We're all currently engaged in a bit of a prank war." His eye lenses flare as though he has just waggled his eyebrows at the camera.

"Look," he sighs, clapping his hands together, "Let's get real for just a second. Part of the reason I'm so ridiculous is because this line of work can get really heavy day to day. So we, here in the Avengers compound, use humor to lighten things up a little, some of which involves playing jokes on each other. We keep it harmless and nobody gets hurt, or well, rarely so, anyway. So Tony played a trick on me last time and he got me good. It was all in good fun and we can all laugh at it. I'm gonna let him enjoy it for a little while because soon enough I'm going to get him back." His eye lenses squint with malicious glee.

"So have yourself a little laugh, because it's okay to laugh at it, and let it go. I'm fine, I promise."

He claps his hands together, "Now let me show you some gadgets, like I mentioned last time. Yes, just like the one that was used against me. Imagine, using my own tech against me! The audacity!" He huffs, walking across the lab as the camera follows dutifully.

He comes to a halt at the set of drawers next to the suit cupboards. With a press of his thumb to a small biometric scanner on the front, it beeps, turns green, and the drawers all smoothly slide open.

He picks up a black bracelet from the top drawer and holds it up for the camera to see. "This is the housing for my nanotech web shooters." He slips it on and depresses a pressure point which triggers the nanotech to cascade down his forearm to form his web shooter. "I won't rehash in detail how these work, as I've done so in a previous video. If you haven't seen it already, you can catch that segment in my recent interview with GQ. I'll put the link for that video down in the description. Go check it out and watch me go undercover online and answer questions on social media."

He walks to the left a few steps and looks at something beyond the camera, prompting it to turn and show the audience that there is a battered looking dummy standing against a padded wall with angry eyebrows comically drawn on the blank face with a black Sharpie marker. It is wearing a pair of boxers covered in tiny Spider-Man faces, an old tank top of Tony's covered in oil and grease stains and a couple scorch marks, and a baseball cap with Iron Man's face screen printed on the front perched on its head and turned sideways.

"This is Gustav. He's my test dummy. He was a bit of an exhibitionist there for a while and liked to just stand around naked until Tony and I stayed awake far too many hours on a project and in our manic state decided that Gustav needed an outfit." The mask crinkles around his grin.

"Let's get down to business! First, let me show you the spider drone!" He aims his wrist at Gustav's torso and says, "Karen, spider drone!"

"Spider drone," Karen confirms as a tiny light blinks on his wrist then solidifies, indicating it is loaded and ready.

Spider-Man wastes no time as he depresses the trigger with his middle and ring finger and a tiny nanotech pellet flies out of the dispenser. In seconds it expands into a shiny red flying drone, no bigger than a grapefruit, that vaguely resembles a spider. It rushes closer to the dummy before it is even finished assembling and unleashes an energy blast straight at the torso. The second it makes contact with Gustav, the dummy violently jerks backwards, cap flying off his head, and tips over, smoking slightly.

Spider-Man snorts out a laugh and drops his hand from where he had been aiming, "Okay so I don't usually have it set that high for regular people. Don't be alarmed. Enhanced people, aliens, and robots on the other hand..." he trails off with a shrug.

"Now how about I show you-" he cuts his own sentence off mid-thought. "Wait." He turns to look straight into the camera, his pointer finger raised in the air, "I've just had a thought." He rubs his hands together with relish, "Poor ol' Gustav is down for the count, I say we let him sleep it off. I'm sure we can find a few other dummies around here to demonstrate on." His eye lenses narrow as he smirks.

* * *

The drone follows Spider-Man as he walks down an empty hallway, no longer in his lab.

"Let's continue with one of my favorites," he says, coming to a halt in front of a closed door. "It's called the impact web. It's similar to my regular web, except it fires a concentrated shot with sufficient force to knock the target back, and enough web to incapacitate them at the same time. It's great in situations where I have to get someone out of commission quick. Let me demonstrate." Spider-Man's eye lenses flare as though he waggled his eyebrows.

The video cuts to follow Spider-Man crawling stealthily across a ceiling before coming to stop quietly in a shadowy corner, partly obscured by protruding ductwork. The camera pitches down to show the view below as Spider-Man bides his time, waiting for something. The room below is revealed to be a training room, the sole occupant, James "Bucky" Barnes, beating the tar out of a punching bag. The video footage switches to fast forward, showing Bucky comically punching in double time while Spider-Man channels his inner arachnid and lurks in the corner of the ceiling, not moving a muscle. The video eventually slows down and resumes normal time as Bucky relaxes, grabs his towel from the floor, and steps around the punching bag, wiping his face.

Now that his victim has provided a more advantageous target, Spider-Man whispers, "Karen, impact web," and scurries forward while aiming his wrist.

"Impact web," confirms Karen's quiet, cool voice.

Spider-Man wastes no time and deploys the shot at his unsuspecting prey. In the split second it leaves his web shooter, a new figure darts in from the open doorway to launch a surprise attack of their own. Spider-Man watches, eye lenses widening in horror, as the shot, instead of hitting Bucky, impacts with Natasha.

The Black Widow.

Assassin.

Queen Badass.

"Aw, shit," Spider-Man gulps.

He drops from the ceiling and scampers forward, apologies falling from his lips. Bucky bites his lip, trying desperately to hold in his laughter as he meets Spider-Man's eyes over her shoulder, having caught her as she went careening forward.

Natasha slowly turns around to regard him, completely bound in a cocoon of web, arms plastered to her chest from the defensive position they had been in as she had approached Bucky.

She holds the stare with Spider-Man an uncomfortably long amount of time before his wrist comes up and he offers, "I've got solvent, can I help you get out?"

Her narrowed eyes suggest he will be castrated if he attempts any such thing and his wrist falls back to his side with a nervous giggle.

"Wow, what are the chances we both planned a surprise attack against Buck, hey? That's hilarious!" Spider-Man nervously rambles.

With a sinister snick, a switchblade flicks open from her right hand which is sticking out of the top of the cocoon near her neck.

Spider-Man _eeps_ and holds his hands up in surrender as he backs away, "Not hilarious, not hilarious at all. My mistake!"

She begins slicing her way out of the web and her eyes promise murder.

He turns tail and sprints.

* * *

The camera's point of view is slightly lower than usual, and the red costume-covered arms that occasionally come into view suggest that the footage is coming from the drone situated on Spider-Man's chest, passively recording rather than following him.

Spider-Man appears to be walking across the lawn of the Avenger's compound, Captain America, Bucky, and Falcon walking ahead, all in full costume, and from the sounds of the chatter, the rest are trailing behind him though they are not currently visible. It is early morning, the sky overcast and the grass wet from a recent heavy rainfall.

The camera bobs slightly with Spider-Man's gait as it captures the super soldiers ahead of him bantering while Sam looks too exhausted to focus on anything except putting one foot in front of the other.

"I almost had you," Bucky drawls to Steve with a smirk.

"You like to think so," he replies with a smirk of his own and a shove to Bucky's shoulder. "Face it, Buck, you'll never beat me."

"Never?" Bucky repeats, incredulously. "I seem to recall an incident just last week that involved the last slice of lasagna and you ending up flat on your back without said slice of lasagna. I think you're losing your memory, old man."

"I think you're confused on who the old man is, you geriatric Severus Snape-"

"Woah!" Tony's shocked voice comes from behind as Spider-Man erupts in surprised laughter, "Who taught Cap about wizards?"

"I made him watch Harry Potter last night," Spider-Man chokes out, the camera shaking.

"Huh," comes Clint's voice, "Now that he mentions it he does kind of resemble Snape. Long, dark, greasy hair, broody, asshole, ugly-"

The commentary halts as the confrontation in front of them escalates and Bucky stamps on a muddy patch of ground and splatters Steve's legs with mud.

"Is that right, punk?" Steve muses to whatever Bucky has just said, a dangerous glint in his eye as they come to a halt and size each other up.

"That's a fact," Bucky drawls and pauses dramatically before following up with a pointed, "geezer."

Steve and Bucky drop their duffel bags at once and Steve flings his shield at Spider-Man without looking and a careless, "Here, hold this," and they are suddenly grappling with each other.

Spider-Man has no time to dodge and his arm comes up on instinct to catch the speeding object hurtling at his chest. With an audible crack, he catches the shield in his right hand.

"OW, MOTHERFUC-"

"-don't worry Stevie," Bucky goads Cap, "I'll find you a real swell retirement home." He grunts as Steve locks their arms together and tries to swipe his legs out from under him. "It'll be real high class. With stern old broads that serve toast and tea every evening at eight o'clock, just before bedtime. I know how cranky you get without your toast and tea."

Steve growls and changes tactics, taking Bucky off guard as he reaches down, scoops his legs up under the knees and hitches him up.

Bucky's eyes flash in panic briefly before he threatens, "Stevie, don't you dare-"

Steve lets loose a grin so evil it looks sacrilegious on such a patriotic face and heaves Bucky backwards out of his arms to land flat on his back like a starfish, with a squelch, into the muck. Bucky blinks at the sky in shock before sighing and looking as though he wishes the mud would just devour him and put him out of his misery. The team erupts in laughter as Steve poses cockily, a grin dancing on his lips. They form a loose circle around the two, basking in Bucky's misfortune.

Coming to stand behind Steve, Sam and Spider-Man are not laughing. Sam, because he cannot physically muster the energy to move the muscles required to laugh, and Spider-Man, because of the throbbing, broken hand he is cradling in front of his chest.

He turns to regard Sam and Sam stares for several seconds in the direction of Spider-Man's face, unimpressed.

"Did I ever tell you about my new concussive blast?"

Sam raises his eyebrow at Spidey's non-sequitur.

"It's a blast that emits a powerful sonic wave, knocking back opponents."

Sam stares another moment before his face brightens in realization. His eyes flick to Steve standing in front of them, gloating over Bucky's prone form, before returning to Spider-Man's gaze. He overcomes his exhaustion to give him an amused smirk and steps back out of the blast radius.

"Karen, concussive blast," he mutters quietly.

"Concussive blast," she confirms cooly.

Spider-Man's uninjured left hand raises in front of the camera in his signature pose and those directly across from Steve- Tony and Natasha- see his pose and furrow their eyebrows in confusion. Spider-Man makes the shot and Steve goes flying with an undignified yelp to splat face down into the mud, splattering Bucky's face and going up his nose and into his mouth. The team roars again as the soldiers lurch up to a sitting position, coughing and spluttering, and searching for the source of the strike, faces covered in filth. They lock onto the culprit and Spider-Man responds by flipping them off with his crooked, newly-broken finger. After a beat they fly out of the muck, cursing and slipping and sliding, and tear after the fleeing arachnid.

* * *

"Next up," Spider-Man tells the camera preceding him down a hallway as he walks, "the tazer webs!"

He comes to an intersection in the hallway and cautiously peers around the corners before scurrying forward, lightly humming the Mission Impossible theme song. A sound from the left has him suddenly twirling backwards out of the hallway into a storage closet, which the drone dutifully follows him into. The camera's view goes black with the absence of any lights, and it is quiet except for the steady sound of Spider-Man taking deliberate breaths, trying to quieten himself. He holds his breath as the person in the hall walks past the closed door, and lets it out again, relieved, as they pass with no issue.

"Hoooo," he breathes and whispers, "That was a close one!"

He cracks the door a sliver and peeks out, the camera following to show two figures chatting in the hall several feet away. They shift slightly, laughing, and reveal themselves to be Clint and Sam.

Clint laughs again as Sam shakes his head.

"Dude, you're playing with fire," Sam warns him.

"Nah, spider baby won't know what hit him. I can't wait to see his face!" Clint crows, gleeful.

Sam shakes his head again, unimpressed, "I dunno man. I just think you shouldn't mess with a man's underwear drawer. That shit should be off limits. He's gonna murder you."

"Maybe, if he ever stops scratching!" Clint dissolves into helpless guffaws. "Besides, this is ----- we're talking about, he's about as scary as a puppy." Spider-Man's name is censored with a loud crow squawk.

Spider-Man makes a low angry noise in the back of his throat that the camera barely picks up, and withdraws back into the closet to address the camera. The sparse light filtering in from the hallway through the crack in the door lights the side of his face, giving a sinister look to the usually friendly superhero.

"How dare-" Spider-Man fumes to the camera quietly. "I guess I'll be throwing out all my underwear. Not cool, Clint."

He turns to glare menacingly out at Clint again as he says, "Well, I was planning to target Bucky, but I guess you're the lucky winner now. Get rekt, bird brain."

He aims his wrist through the crack in the door and orders quietly, "Karen, tazer webs. Ten percent."

"Tazer webs," she confirms, equally quietly.

He depresses the launcher in his palm and the web springs forth to latch onto Clint's back, his aim impeccable as usual. A light humming sound surges up the length of the web as the electricity engages and suddenly Clint squawks loudly and convulses. Sam shouts in fright and quickly backpedals, hitting the wall.

Spider-Man lets him suffer for only a few seconds before releasing him and Clint collapses to the floor on his back, groaning.

Spider-Man exits the closet and stalks toward the downed archer like a predator sizing up his prey.

"Hmm," he purrs dangerously, making Clint's eyes widen in fear, "I see what you mean. You didn't know what hit you at all, that was hilarious. And your face," he suddenly surges forward into a crouch to seize Clint's cheeks, squishing them together in his punishing grip to make his lips stick out comically like a goldfish, eyes bulging in fear. He jostles Clint's head from side to side lightly before releasing him with a firm pat to the cheek that was really more of a slap, and stands up.

"You'll be replacing the things that you ruined, of course," Spider-Man tells him, more than asks.

Clint nods vigorously, intimidated by the costumed vigilante looming over him and suddenly remembering that he can lift a bus without breaking a sweat.

Spider-Man sighs, hands on his hips and looks at Sam, who hasn't moved from the wall or closed his mouth from the shocked expression that stole over him since Spider-Man's attack.

They stare at each other for a moment before Sam gets hold of himself and throws his hands in the air, as if he is absolutely done with the both of them and stomps away, muttering, "Y'all need Jesus. I swear to God living in this goddamned house givin' me motherfuckin' grey hairs-"

Spider-Man looks down at Clint once more before stalking off.

Clint moans pitifully and tries to call out to Sam's retreating form, "Help me up, man."

His only response is the slamming of Sam's bedroom door.

* * *

"Let's finish off with one of my favourite gadgets," Spider-Man tells the camera, holding up a shiny red metal disc with an LED light sparkling on the top. He depresses a pressure point and five spindly metal legs spring outwards to support it.

"This is called the trip mine," he announces proudly. "Most people are like cats and can't resist anything shiny." He gives the camera an amused smile, eye lenses squinting. "When activated, the LED on top can trigger curiosity and prompt the target to check out what's going on. Once close enough, the proximity sensor activates and snatches them up." He snickers devilishly. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The video cuts to what is clearly security footage from FRIDAY. Spider-Man is in what looks to be a kitchen, surrounded by expensive looking stainless steel appliances, sleek white cupboards, and a shiny marble-topped kitchen island. He looks suspiciously from side to side for a moment before quietly muttering, "Karen, trip mine."

"Trip mine," confirms the quiet voice of Karen.

The masked vigilante moves to stand in front of the kitchen island and carefully aims his wrist at the ceiling before depressing the shooter and launching a tiny pellet that immediately expands into the trip mine device. Upon impact, the legs deploy and latch to the ceiling, adhering it. The LED light in the center of the device activates, sending a thin beacon of light down to the floor.

"Karen," Spider-Man murmurs, "Deactivate trip mine beacon."

"Deactivated," the AI dutifully responds.

The light flickers off, no longer drawing any attention to the ceiling and, therefore, to the trip mine.

Spider-Man glances at a clock on the wall and turns to open the oven, removing a steaming, perfectly golden brown pie with a dish towel. He flicks off the oven and exaggeratedly sniffs the pie, insinuating that it smells divine, before displaying it on the island, perfectly in view. He looks up at the camera in the ceiling and rubs his hands together before leaving the camera frame.

The time stamp in the bottom right corner promptly speeds up, the footage fast forwarding about five minutes before slowing to real time again, punctuated by the ding of the off-screen elevator. After a moment, Tony Stark enters the frame, visibly scenting the air.

He groans, "Cherry! My favourite!"

He approaches the pie and as soon as he walks under the waiting trip mine, a web swiftly shoots downward with a _thwip_ and snatches him upwards to splat against the ceiling on his back.

"What the fuck?!" Tony shouts, slightly winded, and begins to struggle.

Spider-Man gives him a moment to stew on his new situation as a chandelier before waltzing into the kitchen.

"-----!" Tony exclaims furiously, his name being censored out by a crow squawk and a tiny speech balloon over his mouth that reads, 'OOPS', to protect against any skilled lip readers.

Spider-Man pretends not to hear the irate billionaire and parrots, "Ooh, cherry! My favourite!"

He wiggles his fingers a la Homer Simpson and cuts a slice while Tony continues to squirm on the ceiling above him, muttering threats and curses. He folds up his mask to uncover his mouth, takes a giant bite, and makes an incredibly exaggerated yummy noise as he walks away.

"------!" Tony shouts, "Don't you dare leave me here. Get the fuck back in here. -----!"

Tony huffs a large, defeated breath and hangs his head, his face turning mottled as all the blood rushes to his head.

The video fades to black as Spider-Man's satisfied giggles echo distantly from down the hall.

* * *

Comments:

**joylisakook**

He has an iron man shirt?! My heartttttttt

**LadyStardust_24**

Holy shit. Sinister Spidey is actually hot af. Who's with me?

**ExtraEdgyOtter**

Ouchhhh I think I actually heard his finger breaking. Not cool, cap!

**Rocnarok**

Didn't think I'd be seeing Avengers mud wrestling. This is the content we need.

**kiaracraic**

I wonder if Tony ever got any pie.

**IcedAquarius**

Screw the pie, did he ever get down off the ceiling? LOL

**williamcassio**

I wonder if Clint peed a little

**lucky_katebishop**

So does this mean spiderman had to go commando for whoever knows how long until Clint could replace all his underwear?

**siricsblvck**

Geriatric Severus Snape hahahahaha wtffff

**peterpandco**

Omg black widow looked ready to kill

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Baby boy! I thought I was the only one you tazed. Are you cheating on me with the pigeon?!


	3. Happy Hallowe'en!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Today is a very special day," he says, leaning on the lab workbench in front of him. "It's one of my very favourite occasions," he pauses for dramatic purposes, "Hallowe'en!"
> 
> The front of the workbench is draped in purple string lights with small bats, and a life-size skeleton stands behind Spider-Man near the wall with a fedora and gaudy star-shaped sunglasses on its head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this a little early because I figure most people will be too busy to read it tomorrow! ;)

"Hey spider fam! How's everyone doing today? Good, I hope! It's me, your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man!"

The costumed hero gives the camera his signature two-fingered salute and smiles warmly, his eye lenses squinting in delight.

"Today is a very special day," he says, leaning on the lab workbench in front of him. "It's one of my very favourite occasions," he pauses for dramatic purposes, "Hallowe'en!"

The front of the workbench is draped in purple string lights with small bats, and a life-size skeleton stands behind Spider-Man near the wall with a fedora and gaudy star-shaped sunglasses on its head.

He clasps his hands together. "I absolutely adore Hallowe'en! I used to go all over half of Queens trick or treating when I was a kid, it was great! Shout out to Mrs. Franey who used to live on Exeter and gave out full-size chocolate bars and pouches of Capris Sun. Oh man, that house was the best! Anybody who went there, you know what I'm talking about!" He nods at the camera and gives it a thumbs up. "She doesn't live there anymore, so I don't feel too bad saying so."

Spider-Man reaches off camera and pulls a small, black, plastic witch's cauldron into view and rustles through the contents. He makes a victorious sound and selects a fun-size Twix bar. He opens the package, flips up the bottom of his mask, and with a nomming noise that Homer Simpson would be proud of, devours it.

"Gotta fuel up for my busy day," he confesses, after flipping his mask back into place and giving the camera a cheeky wink.

"And he has an insatiable sweet tooth," retorts Tony Stark's disembodied voice from the speakers located somewhere overhead.

"And I have an insatiable sweet tooth," Spider-Man promptly parrots, not missing a beat. "You know, if you wanted to be in the video, all you had to do was ask. Stop lurking, you're being creepy"

"One cannot lurk in one's own domain, Spider-Kid," Tony drawls. "And I don't have time to be in your video, I'm working on my sweet costume. It's going to knock everyone else's out of the park. I hope you're ready for this."

"Mmhm," Spider-Man deadpans, "We'll see."

"Yes we will."

"Like I was saying," Spider-Man tells the camera, in a pointedly louder tone of voice, insinuating that he is ignoring Tony henceforth. "We've got a lot to do today. Shall we get started?"

Spider-Man walks across the lab to a closet, the drone following along behind dutifully like a puppy. He opens the door and pulls out a plastic shopping bag and a coat hanger with a pristine white lab coat.

"It's time that I ascend to a higher form," Spider-Man tells the camera dramatically. "For today only, I shall become more than Spider-Man. I will become the fusion of Queens' mightiest hero and one of history's greatest minds, the man who created one of the pillars of modern physics and changed the world as we know it-"

Loud, fake snoring sounds suddenly grate from the speakers in the ceiling, proving that Tony is still listening in from wherever he is holed up. "Getting old here, Underoos. Get on with it."

"You're already old, you fossil," Spider-Man sharply quips, eye lenses narrowed with annoyance at being interrupted.

He clears his throat. "For today, I am not simply Spider-Man, nor am I Einstein, the father of the theory of relativity and one of my personal heroes," he gushes and continues grandly, "Nay. For today, I shall be know as," he pauses for dramatic effect and dumps the contents of the shopping bag on the nearest work bench, "Einspider! Spiderstein? Spiderstein."

A loud, jarring snort shatters the dramatic moment. "Einspider? Seriously?"

"You're just jealous I'm not being Iron Man," Spider-Man retorts defensively.

"Am not," Tony replies, and after an awkward pause asks unconvincingly nonchalant, "I thought I was your hero."

Spider-Man huffs a quiet laugh and answers, "You are, I'm allowed to have more than one hero. Don't pout, it doesn't become you."

"Tony Stark doesn't pout," Tony pouts.

Spider-Man's eye lenses flare in what is likely a very dramatic eye roll.

"I'm just saying you could have-" Tony begins before being interrupted by what sounds like a minor explosion and muffled curses before the audio cuts out.

"Tony," the vigilante prompts worriedly, looking in the direction of the ceiling, "Everything alright?"

"Yup," Tony barks out, sounding strained. "Can't talk, genius at work. DUM-E, NO! Don't you dare!"

Spider-Man blinks and looks at the camera, shrugging. "Alrighty then."

He digs through the pile of things on his bench and extracts a white button-up and shrugs it on over his suit. He deftly buttons the shirt, which is impressive because gloves, and pops the collar with a flourish.

"I'd say I'm surprised," Spider-Man begins while draping a blue tie around his neck. He begins tying it, pauses, mutters to himself, and undoes the knot. "No, that's not right." He begins again and finishes his train of thought, "But I'm not. Explosions are a regular part of being in Tony Starks orbit."

He struggles with the tie for several more minutes, muttering, "God, I hate formal wear. Somebody please make sure nobody buries me in a tie at my funeral or I'll come back and haunt you," before he finally manages a wonky looking knot with the skinny end of the tie hanging down far longer than the thicker end of the tie. He looks down at himself and shrugs. "Whatever."

Next, he selects a grey wool sweater vest and pulls it on over top, folding the collar of his button-up into place over the tie.

"There!" He exclaims, turning to look into a full length mirror affixed to the wall. "Looking dapper, Spidey, if I do say so myself." He tugs on the sweater and smooths it out with his hand admiringly.

He turns to grab a ball of white fluff and shuffles it around in his hands, looking for an opening. "No self respecting Einstein would be caught without the fabulous hair and those outstanding face caterpillars." He slips the fluff onto his head, revealing it to be a fluffy grey wig. "The tricky bit," he explains, easily tugging the wig back off," Is that I have a rather busy night ahead of me and I can't have my hair falling off. Einstein wasn't bald, and neither is Einspider. Spiderstein? That just won't do."

He presents his wrist and depresses a mechanism on his web shooter that ejects the web fluid cartridge and he plucks it from the housing. "Now, I'm not stupid enough to crazy glue anything to my multi-million dollar high tech crime fighting suit," he says, "But it's gonna take more than some Elmer's glue."

He turns the wig inside out and unscrews the cap on the cartridge and dabs the solution along various points of the skull cap. He gingerly props the open cartridge on the bench upright against a nearby beaker so it doesn't spill onto the work surface and flips the wig back over his head. "YOLO!" He declares bravely. He holds it in place a moment and then gives an experimental tug. The wig stays affixed but the tugging causes the mask to start riding up his neck and with an _eep_ he pulls it back down, deeming the experiment successful.

"Alright! A bit of web solvent later on and I should be all back to normal!"

He repeats the process with each bushy eyebrow, gluing them comically above each lens, and finishing off with a bushy grey mustache.

"Check out this push broom!" He ruffles his new whiskers with his fingers and laughs.

He sticks a finger in the air, "And finally, we mustn't forget-"

He dramatically swirls the white lab coat on and poses with a flourish. "Ta-da! Eins-Spiderst-Einspider! I have ascended and reached my final form! I am now unstoppable."

A disembodied snort once more interrupts and Spider-Man resolutely ignores it.

"Now that that's done, let's get started on the most important part!"

He loads a fresh web cartridge into his web shooter and returns to the cupboard, lab coat swishing dramatically, and extracts a large Navy blue and red duffel bag bulging at the seams. He hefts it effortlessly over his left shoulder before winking at the camera and approaching a glass door that appears to lead outdoors.

"Heading out, sweetheart," Spider-Man announces to the air, "Lock it down."

"Away mode activated. Have a good evening, -----," Karen responds kindly, his name getting censored out with a crow squawk.

The lights flick off and various clicks and beeps begin sounding just as Spider-Man reaches the door and swings it open to step out onto a small balcony. He walks to the edge and lightly leaps up to precariously balance on the railing. Aiming at the rail at his feet, he lets fly a web and then drops over the side, dramatically repelling down several stories to the ground. He lands directly behind a man in a black business suit without missing a beat which startles the man so badly he clutches at his chest and hair and levels him the dirtiest look he can manage. The man angrily points at a black town car and snarls, "Just get in."

Spider-Man snickers and does as told. He sits in the back and after the driver enters the vehicle and pulls out of the driveway, Spider-Man asks, "Hey, Happy! How's your day going?"

Tony Stark's bodyguard and friend, Happy Hogan, grumbles back, "It was going just fine until you scared five years off my life. It's a long drive, no talking."

Spider-Man grins into the camera, eyes squinting in mirth, and shrugs. "Happy's not feeling very happy today. See you guys in a bit."

The footage cuts and resumes as Spiderstein marches up the front steps of a building proclaiming to be FEAST, duffel bag over his shoulder. He enters through the doors as though he has been there a thousand times and is immediately happily greeted by the receptionist.

"Afternoon, Edna!"

He bypasses the doors leading into the main area and instead veers to the left and ascends the stairs until he reaches an office. He gives the open doorway a light knock and the woman at the computer looks up at him with a smile.

"Spider fam, meet May! She's the operations manager here at FEAST." He plops his duffel down against the wall out of the way. The woman stands and offers him a warm hug.

"It's good to see you here today, Spider-Man," she says, mouth twitching in mirth at his costume as she gives him a once-over.

"It's good to be here! Where do you want me?"

"How about you head down to the bullpen," she says, referring to the open area downstairs, "I think Bernie could maybe do with some help.

Spider-Man nods agreeably and navigates down the stairs and through the doors at the bottom to emerge into a gymnasium filled with sleeping bags, camp cots, bunk beds, and tables and chairs. The room is teeming with people wearing mismatched and worn-looking clothing. Their faces are blurred so their expressions are hidden, but many greet him happily as they catch sight of him as he crosses the room. He reaches a set of tables at the back, covered in trays of warm food, and addresses the tired looking man in an apron standing behind them holding a ladle.

"How's it going, Bernie?"

Bernie's face is not blurred, and he brightens at seeing Spider-Man coming to his aid.

"S'up, Web-head? Glad to see you, bro. Get in here. Could use all eight of your weird-ass arms right about now."

Spider-Man laughs and does as directed, immediately taking up a serving spoon and scooping some mashed potatoes onto a woman's plate as she approaches. The footage speeds up, the time stamp ticking forward quickly as it shows Spider-Man humbly serving the homeless and the needy, talking with them and gesturing and laughing and lightening the atmosphere.

After an hour and a half ticks by, the crowd seeking food thins out and Spider-Man bids Bernie farewell. He returns upstairs to May's office where a small gaggle of children are gathered, putting the finishing touches on the costumes they appear to have dug out of the bag the arachnid brought with him.

May catches sight of him and says, "Alright, Spider-Man, your team is ready. I give you, the Avengers!" She gestures at the young boys and girls, some of whom are dressed as superheroes, and a couple who are princesses and dinosaurs. Many are wearing masks, but the few who aren't have their faces blurred for safety.

"Wow," Spider-Man gasps dramatically, "You guys look great! I couldn't ask for a better team!"

He moves into the room and offers each one a high five, all of whom return it as enthusiastically as they can. Three of them even manage to steal a hug as well. Spider-Man takes it all in stride and finally places his hands on his hips and regards his troop.

"Are we ready to go?"

The response is a cacophony of screams and squeals in the affirmative. May cringes slightly and wiggles a finger in her ear to restore the hearing in her now ruptured ear drum

Spider-Man throws his head back and laughs and decides to get the show on the road to spare May further agony.

"Avengers," he barks and gives a dramatic pause, "Assemble!"

The kids shriek again and scurry to group up in front of Spider-Man, whose mask twitches around his mouth, and he turns and leads them to the lobby. They are met by a young woman with bushy brown hair who is dressed in a long black robe and holding a stick, and introduces herself to the kids as Hermione Granger. They gasp and exclaim, and ask her if she really knows Harry Potter and can perform magic spells. She confirms that she does know Harry, and that she can't confirm the latter due to muggle secrecy laws, but that she's not saying she can't. She throws Spider-Man a wink and takes up the rear as Spider-Man leads them outside into the twilight.

The time stamp speeds forward again as the video shows Spider-Man and 'Hermione' taking the kids door to door for the next two hours. Spider-Man returns them back to the lobby of FEAST safely, and they all give him hugs and high fives. He waves and exits into the now dark evening, and the footage resumes normal speed.

"Well, that was a hoot," Spider-Man enthuses. "What great kids! But we're not done yet, so I hope you're not too tired!" He grins at the camera and absently waves at a pedestrian across the street who squeals and calls out to Spider-Man, waving madly at him.

He zips off into the night and approaches a community center with a line of people snaking out the front doors. Careful to not be seen, he navigates around back and enters through a back door. The lights are dim and it appears to be void of people, though screams and various sound effects blare in the near vicinity. He walks down the hall and enters an office to find a plastic bag on a desk. He opens it and begins pulling out various items for a costume.

"Okay," Spider-Man explains, "It's time to take a break from nice guy Spider-Man, and channel my inner villain. I'm about to take part in a haunted house!"

He strips off his lab coat and sweater vest and drapes them on the desk next to the bag.

"I sometimes volunteer at this community center and they asked if I was interested in taking part in the haunted house this year. I didn't have a whole evening or weekend available that I could dedicate to being an actor in the haunted house, so instead I'm going to terrorize the people waiting in line for a little bit!"

He pulls on a pair of navy blue work pants and buttons them. "I'm not going to bother taking off my suit because I don't fancy giving you a strip tease at the moment and I'm going to dress in layers anyway to make myself seem bulkier. See if you can guess who I'm transforming into!" He laughs and continues to dress.

He pulls on several shirts to make himself seem bulkier and more imposing, and finishes the last layer with a dirty brown coat that is ripped in several places and stained with blood. He slips into a pair of dark brown steel toed work boots and fastens them carefully.

"Figure it out yet? No? Maybe this will help." He reaches up and plucks off his Spider-Man mask, his head blurring immediately to protect his identity, and quickly replaces it with a rubber mask that makes his head look bald, the skin mottled and heavily scarred. The face is covered with a white hockey mask, smeared in a couple places with blood. He finishes the look by pulling on a pair of gloves to make his hands look scarred as well, and grabs a giant, sinister looking plastic blade also smeared in blood.

He holds his arms out and speaks with a gravelly voice to both get in character and protect his identity, which is no longer disguised by the modulator in his mask, "Ta-da! Introducing Jason Voorhees! What do you think? Do I pass muster?" He tugs on the lapels of his coat and laughs. "The real test will be selling the act though! Time to get my murderer on! This is gonna be fun! Droney, stealth mode."

Droney raises up higher into the air to presumably make it harder to be seen.

He takes a minute to relax and take a couple slow breaths, getting into character. He squares his shoulders and holds the blade at his side menacingly, and he suddenly transforms into Jason.

He stalks out of the room slowly and moves back the way he came to exit the back door. He circles around the building in the dark, not making a single noise, to where the crowd of people wait in line. He moves around the perimeter of the parking lot towards the back and waits. After a moment, a car pulls in and two women get out, talking and laughing and heading towards the building.

'Jason' stalks behind them at a short distance and makes the signature echoing sound with his mouth, "_kuh kuh kuh kuh CHH CHH CHH CHH!_"

The women look around, puzzled and unsure if they even heard anything, and catch sight of him in their peripheral vision just standing behind them imposingly. They suddenly scream and dash for the building.

He makes no move to chase them and melts back into the darkness. He repeats the process on three more cars, before the fourth pulls into a parking spot filled with three young girls in the back seat and what is presumably their father, driving in the front.

'Jason' approaches the driver's window and gives the man a small fright by tapping on the glass with his blade before he gets hold of himself and with a slight laugh, puts down the window. 'Jason' stares intimidatingly at him as the kids in the back seat whimper nervously.

"Are you here for the kids?" the father asks him gravely. The kids screech with fear as 'Jason' nods back at him slowly and he sidles to the back window and stares in at them. The father puts down the back window and 'Jason' sticks his head in, prompting a round of them screaming bloody murder, trying to get back as far away from him as possible. After a moment he pulls his head back out and disappears into the night, the kids still whimpering and laughing nervously.

He moves around the back and into the building again but bypasses the office he changed in to enter a new door letting him into the main lobby where the line of people stretches from a closed doorway leading into the haunted house all the way across the lobby and out the door and into the parking lot.

He stalks forward, slowly and purposefully around a partition wall hiding him from view, and emerges to stand at a distance and stares them all down. The guests gasp in a shocked breath and in some cases scream loudly. He pauses for an uncomfortably long amount of time, until they squirm in nervous discomfort, and approaches. They flatten themselves comically against the wall nearby, eyes glued to 'Jason'.

He brushes by the first few, who whimper, and pauses by a brave group of teenagers who sneakily try to hold their phones to get a selfie with him. He stares them down and after a moment one creeps forward and attempts to pose with him for a picture. 'Jason' calmly reaches up to gently grab a fistful of their hair and brings his blade up to rest against the teen's throat. 'Jason' slowly and deliberately swivels his head to look at the camera and waits for the picture to be taken. This causes an avalanche of people to cautiously and nervously pose for pictures with the silent figure.

Once the guests are satisfied with their pictures he stalks threateningly up and down the line, pausing periodically to stare blankly at people. A group of younger kids near the back of the line look fairly terrified at the sight of him approaching, so 'Jason' meanders to a nearby table filled with crayons and coloring sheets for the younger kids to play with. He picks up an orange crayon with his bulky scarred gloves and scribbles somehow both childishly and aggressively across the pumpkin on the paper while the room full of people stare and giggle nervously. The kids cautiously creep forward as 'Jason' signs his work at the bottom and holds it out for the closest child to take. He accepts it after a nervous pause with a shaky, "Thank you?" The rest of the room nervously titters and the kids gain more bravery, accepting their own works of art and watching 'Jason Voorhees' angrily coloring like a toddler. The kids race back to their parents, excitedly showing off their gifts, and 'Jason' once more begins to prowl.

He stalks up and down the line, occasionally exiting out the doors to scare the newcomers at the end of the line outside, and even standing outside the washroom door to frighten people coming out. He punctuates the terrifying act with some more hilarious coloring and even poking comically at the buttons on the nearby ATM machine with the end of his blade.

He finishes up by stalking back out into the parking lot to scare a few more guests exiting their cars, and retreats back to the office to get changed.

Once back in his Spiderstein outfit he erupts in hysterical laughter, thinking about everyone's various reactions.

"Oh my God," he chokes, "I feel so bad for making that college girl cry!" His laughter intensifies and he clutches at his chest in mirth. "But she ran so fast! Oh my God, her face!"

He sits on the desk and reaches under his mask to carefully wipe the tears from his eyes.

"Oh man," he laughs out, "That was a riot."

He takes a moment to get himself under control and takes a few calming breaths.

"To everyone I scared the ever living crap out of tonight, I hope you had fun! And if you didn't, I'm so sorry and I have a hug with your name on it!"

He gives a final chuckle and moves to exit through the back so as not to reveal Spider-Man was here.

"Let's do an early patrol and then arrive fashionably late to the Avengers' Halloween party at Stark Tower. Think you can keep up, Droney?"

Spider-Man winks at the camera and shoots a web into the sky and he's off. The drone keeps pace admirably, showing a montage of Spider-Man navigating street to street. Occasionally pedestrians below turn their faces up to watch him, blurred out, and wave or shout and point.

He comes to perch on the edge of a building to rest. After five minutes tick by on fast forward, his head snaps to the right, hearing something the camera is unable to pick up.

He leaps into action and swings his way three blocks over until he arrives at the door of a small convenience store. Inside, the frightened clerk is held at gunpoint by an impatient man in a dark hoodie. He shouts at the clerk, agitated, and Spider-Man darts inside without hesitation.

"I don't mean to _make_ _waves_," he insinuates heavily, tugging at his lab coat to draw attention to his Einstein costume, "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you right there."

The pun appears to go over both men's heads and they regard him, making confused noises.

Spider-Man sags in disappointment and points at them both, "Hey! Physics puns are no joke. It's a _relatively_ _dark_ _matter_!"

He snorts at his own joke and the criminal snarls and aims his weapon at the arachnid. Spider-Man raises his arms in the air, surrendering.

"C'mon man, I don't like guns. They make me _relatively_ angry. I don't think you understand the _gravity_ of the situation."

The criminal snarls and flicks off the safety to show the vigilante he means business.

Spider-Man shakes his head and shrugs, "Alright, let's get _physical_."

His arm snaps forward faster than the criminal can react and with a _yoink_, snatches the gun out of his hands with a web. The thug lurches forward and swings a meaty fist but Spider-Man calmly sways backwards to avoid it and raising his leg, plants it squarely against the brute's chest in a light kick. The criminal staggers backwards into the wall, winded and dazed, and is suddenly webbed in place for his trouble.

Spider-Man dusts his hands off and nods, satisfied, at the man behind the counter. "You alright?"

The man nods shakily.

"Okay good, think you can call the police for me? You're safe now, he won't be getting out of those webs for awhile."

The man reaches for the landline and dials the police as Spider-Man turns to leave. "Thank you," he chokes out to Spider-Man's back.

"No sweat!" Spider-Man answers, and swings off into the night again.

The rest of patrol is relatively quiet, punctuated periodically by dropping down to high five fans, and on one notable occasion, to web back together a little boy's plastic sword that had cracked in half. His tearful thanks make Spider-Man's eye lenses narrow in delight. He caps off his patrol as a small group of teenagers exits a haunted house, several of the young men boasting loudly about how lame it was, and how stupid the rest of them were for being scared. Spidey swoops down low on his web behind the loudmouths, uttering a low, "Boo!" on his way past. The boys shriek and grab onto each other as the vigilante cackles and carries on, the rest of the group laughing and jeering.

He arrives at Stark Tower, scaling quickly up the side to flip deftly onto the balcony. He enters through the doors into a dim living space decorated with sinister red lighting, cobwebs, spiders, and severed hands. His entrance is noted quickly, several of the nearly three dozen people in attendance calling his name excitedly, which is promptly censored with the usual crow squawk.

He happily waves back at the various Avengers and SHIELD personnel and is startled when his eyebrow promptly falls off. He looks down at it in puzzlement and pats his face, finding both eyebrows now missing and his mustache flapping, only half adhered with nothing but spite. He reaches down and grabs his eyebrow and aims a quick web at his forehead to stick it back on, but the web plasters over it hiding it from view anyway. He shrugs, mustache flapping and forehead covered in web, and joins the party.

The first to approach him is Natasha, looking radiant in a sexy white dress, blonde wig, and bright red lips as Marilyn Monroe, and Clint, who is distressingly not wearing any pants.

"_Risky Business_, Clint, seriously?" Spider-Man asks, holding his hand out to try to block the glaring view of Clint's white briefs and bare legs.

Clint looks down at himself, confused, and straightens his white dress shirt, offended, while glaring over the top of his sunglasses. "Not a Tom Cruise fan, I take it?"

"No, he's just not a fan of your pasty-ass legs," Natasha drawls, offering Spider-Man a bowl of what is either eyeballs or peeled grapes.

Spider-Man snorts in agreement and pops a couple in his mouth, slipping his mask up to his nose.

"Yeah, well," Clint replies defensively, gesturing at Spider-Man's face with the beer in his right hand, "What in the fresh hell have you got going on? Undead Christopher Lloyd?"

"How dare you," the arachnid rejoins, garbled, after grabbing a handful of salt 'n vinegar potato chips and crunching them obnoxiously at the archer as Natasha smirks. He flips the mask back down to speak through the modulator. "It's been a long night, okay? And my adhesive weakened at least an hour ago. It's impressive the mustache has lasted this long, quite frankly."

Clint reaches up to tug on the mustache but Spider-Man bats his hand away. He is saved from further torment as Clint spots Cleopatra across the room and sprints her way, yelling, "Ooh, Hill!", and sliding the last few feet in his white socks, singing a cringey rendition of _Old Time Rock 'N Roll_.

Natasha rolls her eyes and slinks away, heels clicking as she calls over her shoulder, "Avoid the fruit punch if you don't wanna get tanked, pretty sure Scott spiked it with some of Thor's 'family recipe'."

Spider-Man laughs and moves further into the room, the drone following dutifully.

The music fades and the sound of an orchestra dramatically booms out the_ Back to the Future_ theme song. Every head jerks around to see Tony Stark, dressed in blue jeans, a checkered shirt, and a puffy orange vest zoom into the room as Marty McFly on an _actual functioning hoverboard_. He smirks smugly as many jaws drop, and completes a victory lap around the room before coming to a halt next to Spider-Man. He waggles his eyebrows at him and Spider-Man responds with a reluctant chuckle.

"Did you seriously just invent hoverboards in an afternoon so you could go totally extra on your Halloween costume?"

Tony's smirk deepens, "Technically, though I didn't have to start from scratch since I had already invented the technology." He activates the hoverboard and it whines in a way reminiscent to the Iron Man thrusters as he spins around in a tight circle.

He gives Spider-Man a quick once over and raises a skeptical eyebrow, "What are you supposed to be, undead Christopher Lloyd?"

"Clint already used that one," Spider-Man fires back, "Try again."

"What are you supposed to be," Tony replies, not missing a beat, "An elderly Ned Flanders?"

Spider-Man yawns, "That the best you got?"

"What are you supposed to be, Tom Selleck who's just let himself go?"

Spider-Man makes a bored noise.

"What are you supposed to be," Tony repeats, "Less attractive Sam Elliott?"

"I'll allow it," Spider-Man nods.

Tony barks a laugh and claps him on the shoulder as he fires up the board. "Try the shortbread shaped like fingers. Nat said she made them with real fingernails but I'm not entirely sure she was joking. Let me know, will you?"

He zooms away towards Pepper (Morticia Addams) and Rhodey (a Ghostbuster) as the vigilante laughs.

He takes Tony's advice and heads toward the table nearby with plates of cheese and crackers and a tray of shortbread fingers, complete with knuckle creases, blood along the severed edge, and slivered almond fingernails.

The skeleton draped across the snack table suddenly jolts and shakes as Sam, dressed as Blade, tries his best to hide behind it.

"How do you make a skeleton laugh?" Sam asks, waving the skeleton's arm in the air, pretending that it's the one speaking, "You tickle its funny bone!"

Spider-Man blinks his eye lenses slowly and stares at Sam, unimpressed. He grabs the arm still waving in his face and rips the arm off, causing Sam to stand upright, alarmed. Spider-Man thrusts the arm bone at Sam's chest and he is forced to take it, looking extremely confused.

Spider-Man waits until Sam meets his eyes before he says, completely deadpan, "That was humerus."

"Wha-?"

Bruce, who is standing at the next table over snacking on the shrimp cocktail and dressed as Frankenstein's monster, snorts red wine out his nose.

Sam sighs and slams the humerus bone on the table and marches away, muttering about how he's "sick of all these damn socially inept geniuses".

Steve, who is a partly transformed werewolf with a ripped open t-shirt and brown fur on his face and chest, and Bucky, a greaser complete with slicked hair and a leather jacket, catch sight of Sam storming off and approach the table Spider-Man is standing at drinking something violently purple.

"What was that all about?" Steve asks, investigating a finger cookie while Bucky grabs a fresh beer bottle from a metal basin filled with ice and various dismembered body parts.

"Haven't the slightest clue," Spider-Man replies innocently. Bucky snorts and pops the cap off his bottle with his vibranium arm while Steve frowns, unconvinced.

"Chicken wing?" Spider-Man asks Steve, holding a platter up in offering.

"Yeah no, I don't think so. I'll never trust you with a chicken wing again," Steve declines, [referencing the time Spider-Man tricked him into eating hot wings for an interview show on the internet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19875724).

Spider-Man shrugs and puts the platter down to get a refill on his drink.

The timestamp ticks away in double time for about a half hour as he mingles with the various costumed guests.

"Oh shit," he groans to Bucky, as the video resumes normal speed.

Bucky looks at him questioningly as he puts aside his purple beverage.

"I drank the spiked punch by mistake, I wasn't planning to drink tonight."

Bucky snorts and looks unconcerned and Steve says, "Can't be too bad, you had maybe three since we've been standing here and alcohol doesn't have much effect with your metabolism."

"It was Thor's booze," the vigilante corrects him, and Bucky laughs outright.

Spider-Man glares at him but the alcohol is starting to work its way through his system so he giggles against his will.

"Oooh!" He suddenly exclaims as the song changes to Michael Jackson's _Billie Jean_. He throws his arms in the air, reacting more dramatically than he normally would have now that his inhibitions have been lowered. The familiar beat begins to pulse and Spider-Man poses and begins thrusting his hips rhythmically in a close impression of Jackson's original choreography. Several people catch sight of him and cheer wildly, while Cap, who has caught up on some of Jackson's popular songs but has not seen any of his performances, looks properly scandalized at the pelvic thrusts.

The vigilante continues the dance and shimmies his way further into the room to land himself in the middle of the dancing crowd. He gets through most of the routine before catching sight of Wanda, dressed as Dorothy, trying to teach Vision, dressed as Tin Man, to dance. Judging from Vision's stilted, awkward movements she appears to be failing miserably.

Spider-Man laughs and moonwalks his way closer to the pair and attempts to show them how to do the _Billie Jean_ shuffle legs. Wanda manages a decent enough attempt, though not nearly as slick or as practiced as the vigilante, but Vision looks tortured and like he'd rather be anywhere else at the moment.

Spider-Man takes pity on him and attempts to show him the sprinkler when the next song plays a peppy techno beat. Surprisingly, he takes much easier to the more robotic dance move and Spider-Man picks up on that fact right away. With a laugh, Spider-Man finally shows him how to floss and Vision nails it perfectly. Wanda cheers wildly at his success, as do many of those watching, and Spider-Man doubles over in laughter clutching his gut.

"I do not understand that dance at all," Rhodey can barely be heard complaining over the loud music as several drunk people join Vision in flossing. "It's the dumbest looking thing I've ever seen. What the hell is wrong with kids these days, anyway?"

"Careful Rhodey," Tony calls over the music as he zooms past, bringing Pepper a new glass of wine, "You're only a pair of suspenders and a tube of Bengay away from yelling at the whippersnappers to get off your lawn."

Rhodey frowns and angrily chews his pretzels.

Near the end of the song the power suddenly cuts out and plunges the party-goers into darkness and silence. There are several startled exclamations and questions, and a few even reach for concealed weapons.

Several red lights around the edge of the room suddenly flicker on and illuminate half a dozen figures. A fog emerges to blanket the floor and what were once thought to be mannequins dressed as zombies, werewolves, and witches jerk to life and stumble forward haltingly as the opening beat to Michael Jackson's _Thriller_ pulses.

The crowd screams in delight and cheers as Tony's disguised Iron Legion shuffle to the center of the dance floor.

"Oh my God, yes! _Thriller_ flash mob!" Spider-Man suddenly shouts, hands in the air and more than a little tipsy and excited.

Several of the people who had caught Spider-Man's _Billie Jean_ dancing just ten minutes ago begin chanting his name, "SPIDEY! SPIDEY! SPIDEY!"

He doubles over in laughter and slaps his thighs before hurrying front and center, not needing much convincing, and the crowd cheers and hollers.

The beat intensifies and as one they lurch into motion as though they are zombies freshly dug from their graves. Three SHIELD agents join in at the back and it is immediately clear that Spider-Man has a dance background. The Iron Legion, while performing every move exactly, are still essentially robots and move stiffly. The agents, while enthusiastic and managing to remember most of the moves, lack expertise. Spider-Man, though, nobody can seem to keep their eyes off of. If not for his captivating performance, then for his ridiculous fluffy grey wig and mustache flapping around on his face. His body moves fluidly and effortlessly and half the crowd watching swears they must be watching Jackson himself.

The dance eventually comes to an end and the Legion lumber off back to their positions around the room to keep sentry. The Avengers converge on the arachnid excitedly, having known he could dance but never having seen him done so.

The video fades out to the crowd once more chanting, "SPIDEY! SPIDEY! SPIDEY!", and ends with white text displayed across the screen.

'HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!'

* * *

Comments:

**peterbparker**

Oh my god, check out the slick moves!

**Elaygrimm**

Tony is totally jealous, how adorable is that?!

**Nebulous_Disaster**

That's so sweet that he volunteers so much! The softest <3

**Uta_M**

Ngl, I'm impressed such a wholesome boi could be so effectively scary.

**moochofaltoids**

OMG I was at that haunted house!!! Spidey was so scary, I had no idea that was him! I peed a little.

**IAmAllYetNotAtAll**

Trust tony stark to make a dance flash mob from his weaponized suits

**Rocnarok**

So when are the hoverboards being released on the market...?

**Jem_Crystairs**

Omg black widow can get it

**Hatelikingbatman**

Anyone else cracking up about spidey's disaster costume?

**toric**

VISION FLOSSING! I CAN'T EVEN!

**I_should_sleep**

Turns out drunk spidey is actually just slightly more enthusiastic spidey

**MiniSchmidty**

How strong was that punch?! RIP spidey...

**Jennay**

Spider-Man hip thrusting...gulp.

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Come visit my house, Spidey, I've got a treat for you ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story, all the Jason stuff happened to me at the Haunted House I attended last weekend. Jason was hands down the best part of the whole thing, kudos to that guy. It got me thinking, anyone could be under that costume.
> 
> ...even Spidey!
> 
> Have a safe and happy Hallowe'en! :)


	4. A Swing Around Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've been getting a lot of comments asking about coming along with me on a patrol, sort of like a 'bring your kid to work day'. You wanted it, you got it. Just don't be too disappointed. Honestly you might find it kind of boring, but then again, maybe not. I'm not sure I'm an accurate judge of what's boring or exciting anymore, considering what my life has become."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Gunshot wound

"Hey, everyone!"

The masked figure in a familiar red and blue suit waves at the camera from his position behind the lab bench. Various tools and scientific paraphernalia lay scattered on the bench top in front of him, along with a lazily bubbling beaker off to the side.

"I hope you're all doing well! Yes, I'm still alive. I know I haven't posted a video in a while, and I'm sorry, but I've been pretty busy. Look, I never promised you a schedule or anything. You get what you get." He shrugs apologetically and leans forward to lounge with his palms against the table. "I've been getting a lot of comments asking about coming along with me on a patrol, sort of like a 'bring your kid to work day'. You wanted it, you got it. Just don't be too disappointed. Honestly you might find it kind of boring, but then again, maybe not. I'm not sure I'm an accurate judge of what's boring or exciting anymore, considering what my life has become."

An alarm for a timer sounds and the vigilante pauses to grab the bubbling beaker with a pair of tongs and hold it up for perusal in the bright overhead lighting. He gives it a swirl and observes the light blue colour with dark particulate gathered at the bottom, beginning to spin in the flask with the motion of the liquid. He huffs a frustrated breath from his nose and tisks like somebody's disappointed grandma instead of the young man he is. With swift movements, he promptly moves back to the wall behind him and places the beaker under a fume hood, neutralizes it with a glug of clear liquid from a large white jug, and the fume hood whirs noisily to suck up the resulting billowing cloud.

"Anyhoo," he continues, unconcerned, "I figured it would be more interesting to get to see a patrol from my point of view, rather than just the drone. I made an update for my mask to capture my HUD as well as some facial recognition to automatically blur out people's faces. I absolutely don't want to violate anyone's privacy."

He walks back to the bench and leans against it with his forearms. "I'm at my lab in Stark Tower today because it would take too long to travel from the Avengers compound to the city for patrol. It's kind of out in the middle of nowhere. Some things might look a little different but for the most part you'll notice it's a mirror image of my other lab.

Check it out!"

The view suddenly switches to look out at another bench opposite from where Spider-Man was standing, also riddled with various gadgets, but without the wallcrawler behind it. Droney hovers quietly in the air, recording for the intro to the video. The field of view has narrowed considerably, a large black border filling the rest of the screen, and a heads up display overlays the footage of the lab. 

"Okay, so this is what I see when I'm Spidey." The audio has changed slightly, sounding as though it is closer and being recorded from a different microphone. "The HUD is currently on passive, so you're only seeing half of what it can do, but this is a good place to start."

He turns his head to focus on the hovering drone. "You'll notice Droney has a little addition," he says, a gloved hand raises into view and points with a red finger. A thin green box surrounds the drone, tracking it as it moves slightly with a gesture from the hand. "I have an algorithm that constantly analyzes my surroundings and evaluates it as a possible threat. Obviously, things can happen quickly, so it has been optimized to only need a fraction of a second to calculate. The code behind it is really quite phenomenal and I wish I could show you, because I'm sure there's some programmers out there watching this, but it's top secret for security purposes. Now, if Droney were a hostile drone, he would have a red box around him to alert me and draw attention to it. If he met enough criteria to be considered a possible risk but not enough to be absolutely certain, he would be highlighted with orange instead. Like a stoplight, green, orange, and red."

The arachnid moves his disembodied hand to point his finger at the number on the top left of the HUD. "Here, you'll see the current temperature displayed in Fahrenheit. Yes, before you flood my comments I know the majority of the world uses Celsius. I am, however, American, therefore it's in Fahrenheit." He sighs in exasperation, as though this is an argument he has had often. "I'm indoors right now, so it's a comfortable temperature. Most of the compound runs at around 68 degrees Fahrenheit, that's 20 degrees Celsius, but I like things a little warmer so you'll see my lab is currently at 72 degrees Fahrenheit, 22 Celsius. Besides simply being informative, this serves a greater purpose. As you can imagine, though you may not have thought about it, swinging around in such a thin suit probably gets uncomfortable in cold or extremely warm temperatures. Implanted in the layers of the fabric is a temperature regulating mesh. When temperatures dip too low, the heater kicks in to keep me being a toasty, cozy spider. Likewise, when it reaches uncomfortable levels of heat, it kicks in to cool me down. It's really important, and I need it even in Summer. You'd be surprised! Even on warm days, when I'm swinging up high I need the heater, especially with the cooling effect of all that wind. You'll find out pretty quickly once we head out for the evening."

Spider-Man drops his hand out of frame and leans forward to lounge against the bench. "Hmm, what else? Oh, there's also my heart rate. It's not visible right now because it's currently in normal range and the HUD is on passive mode, like I mentioned a minute ago, but once I go out you'll probably notice it tick into view as I experience adrenaline or pain. That's largely to monitor my health. If my pulse becomes erratic or outside a healthy range for an extended period of time, my AI, KAREN, follows protocols to call for aid."

He taps his fingers on the bench top idly, wondering what to talk about next. "Oh, how about my fluid gauge? You'll notice along the right side of the screen above the time is a vertical bar. The bar is filled with white about a fifth of the way up and the rest is empty." He gestures in the vague area of the right side of the screen with his left hand. "This is for keeping track of my web fluid. It lets me know how much I have left at any given time. Because let me tell you, it is not fun being caught out by surprise a hundred feet in the air with someone chasing you and no webs left. Ten out of ten would not recommend." He stands and crosses the lab to open a drawer containing several shiny vials of milky fluid. He grabs a handful, shutting the drawer again and returning to his work bench to set them down. Spider-Man presents his left wrist in plain view and, pressing on a certain spot of his web shooter with his right hand, ejects the nearly empty cartridge with a decisive snap of his left wrist. He tosses the used cartridge with a clink into a bin containing several other used cartridges. "I try to be eco friendly whenever I can, so I save the empties whenever possible and refill them. It also saves on materials if there's a small amount left. Waste not, want not!" He reloads with a fresh vial and pushes it into place with a click and the bar on the HUD raises a significant amount. He repeats the process with his other hand and ends up with a full bar. He grabs the remaining four vials and looks down at his body. He slips two vials into tiny, discreet pockets along each of his hips, which ends up looking as though it is simply part of the design of the suit and not essentially a built-in ammo belt. "Alright, almost ready to rock and roll!"

He heads toward a small mini-fridge and extracts a bottle of water before opening the adjacent cupboard and grabbing two protein bars. "Gotta fuel up! I have an advanced metabolism and need an insane amount of calories per day, so Tony had some experts formulate a special protein bar to help me get in a little extra nutrition without having to eat an entire buffet of food. Cap and Bucky also eat them. You'll have to watch me eat in silence for a minute because I won't have the voice modulator when I flip up my mask." His knuckles peek into view as he flips up his mask and the video footage speeds through watching him raise the bar up to the general area of his mouth, just below the view of the camera, and take sips from his bottle. In just a moment he finishes the first bar and then makes quick work of the second. He chugs the rest of the water, tossing it in a recycling bin, and flips his mask back down as the camera returns to normal speed.

"Alright! I'm heading out. KAREN, does anyone need anything before I leave?" He flicks off a couple switches on various gadgets and pieces of equipment while he waits for an answer. After a moment, the AI responds.

"Negative. Captain Rogers wishes you a safe patrol and boss requests that you bring him back a churro from that place on 32nd"

Spider-Man chuckles, walking to the balcony door. "If he thinks I'm going to go around Pepper and help him cheat on his diet he's delusional. She said no sugar, and I don't have a death wish despite my penchant for leaping off tall buildings. Tell him there's carrots in the fridge, they're vaguely churro-shaped. If he closes his eyes and imagines real hard it could almost be the same thing."

He walks through the door that shifts open as he approaches it and comes to a stop on the balcony to admire the nice weather. The sun has set and the sky is darkening, but there is still enough light to see without trouble. The temperature in the top left of the HUD ticks down to reflect the current temperature at 64 degrees and the view brightens slightly, as though the lenses had been dimming the bright lights of the lab to protect his sensitive eyes.

"He responded with a remark that violates Captain Rogers' protocol, 'If You Can't Say Something Nice'. Would you like me to repeat it?"

The vigilante snorts, "No, that's alright KAREN, I've got young ears listening. I'm sure I get the idea. Alright, lock 'er up. It's time to get to work."

The door behind him audibly locks with a beep and his HUD suddenly becomes much busier. A number appears below the temperature indicating current wind speed and direction and a number below that flares into view to display his resting pulse with a tiny heart icon at an extremely healthy 42 beats per minute before disappearing from view. As he looks out at the buildings and streets below, several points highlight on the corners of rooftops and streetlights and billboards. The ones closer appear in green, and the ones further away fade to orange and then red to indicate an ideal target for his web shot. Along the top of his view a small news ticker scrolls with the most recently reported incidents nearby.

"Vigilance mode engaged. Have a safe patrol, -----," KAREN says, the audio bleeping out Spider-Man's real name with a crow squawk.

"Thanks, sweetheart," he croons back at her, before sprinting and taking a dive headfirst off the balcony.

As the ground speeds terrifyingly closer, the pulse monitor ticks into view and spikes up, climbing higher the longer he falls. The nearest highlighted access point comes within range and turns green as an animation of a white circle twists around it, indicating he should focus on this one. The people on the sidewalk below come into clearer focus and look up at him, pointing and exclaiming as the facial recognition technology blurs their faces for privacy. His right hand comes into view and he folds his ring and middle fingers against his palm in his signature Spidey gesture, and with a snap of his wrist a white cable bursts from his web shooter to latch onto the twisting target highlighted on the HUD, dead center. The hero grasps onto it and his left hand comes forward to grip the web as well, and with a _whoop_ his legs swing into view and he cuts a steep arc over the pedestrian's heads to shoot back into the sky. The temperature on the display quickly dips below 55 degrees Fahrenheit and an icon promptly lights up above it, three red wavy lines to indicate the heater has engaged. As he soars over traffic the city noises and honking horns escalate to uncomfortable levels. Barely a second later the sound steadily lowers as though someone is lowering the volume on a television and it stops at a more comfortable level.

"Welcome to web slinging 101," Spider-Man says, sounding slightly breathless and casting another line to hit a target further out. "I didn't have any of these bells and whistles first starting out, so I had to learn the hard way about missing shots and not timing swings correctly. I can absolutely swing without the HUD but its convenient and lets me not have to think so hard all the time." He swoops into a steep curve and soars past several targets before aiming at one further out on a rooftop.

"Spidey!" Shouts a pedestrian on the sidewalk below, excitedly jumping with their arms in the air. "I love you!"

"Oh my God, look! It's Spider-Man!" Another shouts, pointing up at him.

The masked hero gives a low chuckle and the view tilts nauseatingly as he releases the web at the apex of his swing and lets his body arc in a graceful series of flips, showing off for the fans watching avidly. They scream and cheer and wave and he waves back cheerfully. The process repeats a few times during his progress across town, proving Spider-Man has a lot of local fans who love and appreciate him.

As he cuts through a park, a young woman surrounded by her college friends shouts up at him, "Spidey! It's my birthday! I need a hug!"

Spider-Man doesn't falter and appears as if he has not heard the request as he swings past but instead of casting a new line to carry him forward he follows through in a full 360 degree spin and twirls so he lands atop a light pole. The disappointed moans that had started as he sailed past turn to cheers as he leaps from the pole to land in front of the group. They immediately surround him and the birthday girl opens her arms wide to receive a giant bear hug from the arachnid. He picks her up and spins her around effortlessly and she breaks into breathless giggles.

"Happy birthday! I won't ask how old you are, I've been taught it's never proper to ask a lady her age," he teases, setting her down.

She laughs and presses her hands to her cheeks, embarrassed and overwhelmed at being the center of attention from a superhero.

"Oh my gosh, I love you so much," she gushes, at a loss of what to say and not having expected her request to work. "You're my favorite superhero! Thank you so much for what you do!"

Spidey plants a friendly hand on her shoulder to calm her down. "Hey, you bet! I'm glad I can make a difference. Are you having a good birthday? Hanging out with your friends, I see." He gestures at the people surrounding him who are chattering excitedly.

"Yep, I'm having a good day! We were just coming back from dinner. We had pizza, my favorite!"

"Excellent! I hope they're spoiling you."

"Um, Spidey?" A young man to his left interrupts. "Do you think it would be cool if I took a selfie with you? My brother's gonna flip when he hears and he'll never believe me otherwise."

Spidey chuckles and the camera bobs as he gives him a nod. This causes an avalanche of selfie and autograph requests which he entertains for a few minutes until people loitering nearby converge on the group, hoping to get in on the action. With a jaunty salute and a giant leap, he escapes the forming mob. "Happy birthday! Nice meeting you all!" The disappointed groans follow in his wake as he slings a web and launches off once again.

"It's still surreal to me that I'm famous now. I used to be so disliked when I first started and now look! Sometimes I feel like I get whiplash about it all. I practically get mobbed on the street nowadays but then I go home, take off the mask, walk out my door, and nobody looks twice at me. Being famous full time must get tiring, though. I'm sure I'll eventually find out. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting and talking to all of you. It's one of the best parts of the job! But to constantly be scrutinized and criticized is just exhausting. I see it, watching Tony in particular. Sometimes the poor guy just wants to go to dinner without getting screamed at. You know someone once followed him into a public bathroom and tried to pass him a notepad under the stall to get his autograph? Just, no, guys! No! Wanna know how you've gone too far? When you're bothering a guy on the john. Take it a step back and breathe." He takes a sharp turn and heads down another street. "Oh my God, guys, please don't ever do that to me. Not only will you _not_ get your autograph, but I'm not sure I'd ever recover from the embarrassment. I think I'd just sink through the floor and never return. Like some kind of superpowered version of Moaning Myrtle."

The footage speeds up and the clock ticks steadily later as he swings through the darkening sky, occasionally stopping to perch on a rooftop and scope out the area.

"No, please!" A little girls voice yells in distress as the video resumes normal speed.

The left side of the screen pings briefly with ripples, as though someone threw a rock into a pond, to indicate the direction of the distress call. Spider-Man snaps his head in that direction and launches forward when the child isn't immediately visible.

"Marmalade!" Calls the voice again, brimming with tears.

As he closes in, a target appears surrounding a young girl half hanging out of a fourth floor apartment window. The target spins around her for a second while it assesses her threat level and turns green to indicate no threat. His pulse monitor promptly spikes in fear and he moves faster.

"Hey, hey, hey," the vigilante soothes as he leaps to the window and sticks himself to the brick to grasp the girls arms and encourage her back safely inside the window. "Be careful, yeah? It's a long way down for young ladies who don't have spider webs." Her bottom lip quivers pitifully as the tears sparkle in the glare from the street light on the street below. "What's got you so upset, anyway? Anything your friendly spider can help with?"

She gulps and sniffs and points to the right of the window. "It's my kitty, Marmalade. She g-got out the window and won't come back in and I can't reach her! Please Mr. Spider-Man, you gotta help me!"

The spider looks and sure enough, an orange and white cat is further out on a ledge, tail puffed and claws digging in like it owes it money. He turns back to the little girl.

"Don't worry, I've got this! Do you trust me?"

She sizes him up before reluctantly nodding with a sniffle.

"Okay, good. You stay in here where it's safe, okay? I can't concentrate on helping Marmalade if you're in danger too. Do you understand?"

She nods again and he wastes no time wall crawling to the terrified cat. It yowls in terror as he approaches and swipes at him when he attempts to reach out.

"Yikes!" He withdraws his hand.

"Marmalade!" Cries the little girl.

Spidey swings around to look and sure enough, the girl has her head poked out, watching the proceedings.

"Hey! That wasn't our deal. Remember what we agreed on? Where are you supposed to be?" Spidey calmly chides, trying not to startle her.

"Inside," she glumly responds before retreating.

"Thank you," he calls after her, remaining calm.

Spider-Man turns back to the cat and _spspspsp_'s at the cat to no effect. When it starts to look like it might attempt a fatal jump to the next ledge over he groans. "Oh well, I tried." Just as it prepares to lunge he snags it around the waist with one arm and cradles it against his chest, spitting and hissing and doing its best to slice him to ribbons. "Yowza! Death by a thousand paper cuts! Calm down!" He quickly navigates back to the window with only his feet and one hand, the other trying his best to trap the beast against his chest.

"Marmalade!" The youngster shouts, gleeful and reaching her hands out to receive it.

"Woah there, probably not the best idea. I know you love Marmalade but she's a little frightened right now and might hurt you by accident. How about if I put Marmalade down and you let her calm down, hey?"

Her happy face falls. "Okay, I guess so."

Spidey leans halfway into the apartment and puts the cat down. As soon as it's out of his grasp it tears off and hides beneath the nearby bed.

"Probably best for you to let her be for a little while, okay?"

She nods. "Thank you Spider-Man!"

"You're welcome." He offers her a fist to fistbump and she does so excitedly. She goes to turn away but he stops her. "Hey, missy, one more thing. Come back here."

"Yeah?" She asks, surprised.

"What you were doing when I found you, hanging out the window like that. You can't be doing that. That's unsafe and you could get really hurt. I want you to promise that you won't do that anymore, okay?"

"Okay," she says sullenly.

"Even because you're worried about Marmalade. No matter the reason, you can't hang out a window like that. You tell a grown up."

She gives him an emphatic nod.

"Alright, good. Is your parent or guardian around?"

She nods again.

"Can you please fetch them for me?"

"Why?"

"Because I have to talk about grown-up things and tell them what happened."

Her face goes pale. "Do you gotta?"

He huffs a quiet laugh out his nose but clears his throat to hide the fact he was laughing at her. "Yes, I really gotta. Scoot!"

She hurries away and some yelling for, "MOM!" later and her mother enters the room.

"-what you're talking about, sweetie? Oh my God!" The woman catches sight of the hero outside the window and shouts in fright.

"Hi there," Spidey lamely waves at her. After a quick discussion about what had transpired, the mother's heartfelt thanks, and some suggestions for window safety, he gives them both a salute and launches off once more.

He laughs as he soars over an intersection. "She's a rascal! Oh boy, my ticker can't take this kind of stress. Thought I was gonna pass out when I saw her dangling out the window like that. Phew!"

The text on the news ticker at the top of the screen turns red and stops scrolling, highlighting a report.

"-----, there's been a report in the area of a hostage situation. Police are on scene but they are currently at a stalemate. Four hostages, at least two injured. Spider-Man's intervention is recommended before further escalation."

"You got it, plot a course."

Most of the targets on screen fade away, leaving several strategically placed points leading down the street and cutting down a side alley out of view. Without faltering he powers down the highlighted path, breathing picking up slightly with the exertion.

"Break it down for me, KAREN."

"Location is Hillside Jewelry. There are an estimated three hostiles and four hostages. Police responded on scene and attempted to negotiate when one of the hostiles became agitated and fired their weapon. An officer attempted to press in through the back door but was shot. Later communication with the hostiles confirmed they shot one of the hostages. Current condition unknown, presumed alive. The officer is in no man's land and has not received aid. Condition presumed critical," KAREN dutifully riddles out.

"Alright, let's get out of this without further bloodshed. Agreed?"

"Affirmative."

"Standby."

A small red circle appears in the right corner of the screen, indicating that the body camera is now recording, likely turned off since he was already recording for the YouTube video. He comes upon the building, a nondescript tan colored brick building with a black sign proclaiming the name of the business. Out front are three police cruisers with a swarm of police taking shelter behind them. Careful not to be seen from the window, he comes in for a landing on the roof. Most of the officers down below see him, but know better than to give away his location. He gives them a solemn salute before peering over the edge to the alley out back where an officer lay on the ground, gasping and clutching his blurred-out thigh in a growing puddle of red. He hears an ambulance arrive out front as he silently scales down the wall, cautiously approaching the downer officer. A masked figure passes behind the back window and a target flares up red around him on the HUD. Spidey recoils back, careful to keep out of view. As the hostile moves away, the arachnid makes eye contact with the officer and hold up three fingers. The officer nods and with a swift countdown, Spider-Man snags the man with a web by the boot of his good leg and smoothly drags him away from the view of the door and window. The cop clenches his teeth so hard they groan but doesn't scream as the vigilante puts pressure on the leg wound with his own hands, staining the gloves with his blood.

"I've got you, sir. You're going to be okay. Just take some deep breaths," Spider-Man breathes, as low as he can manage so as not to alert the people inside the store.

The officer nods, trying not to groan.

"Have you been shot anywhere else, sir?"

He shakes his head, sweat rolling off his forehead.

"Okay, we don't have much time because I've gotta get in there, but we've gotta slow this bleeding, okay?"

He nods again, incapable of much more.

Spidey reaches for the man's belt and fumbles with the buckle as quietly as he can. "I know this is awkward but bear with me for a second." He gets the buckle undone and with a swift yank, pulls it out of the loops. Without missing a beat he wraps the belt around his thigh, just above the wound, and pulls it tight. The man groans in discomfort.

"Put your hand on the wound, hold it tight. That's the best I can do for you right now. If I haul you out of here they'll see me and I'll lose the element of surprise. There's an injured civilian in there too. You're going to be okay, just give me five minutes." He webs the discarded gun on the ground and pulls it closer. He hands it to the cop who holds it as if it is precious. "Just in case." Spider-Man clasps him on the shoulder for comfort and then scampers back up the wall.

"KAREN, blueprints, now. Give me an entry point."

The screen blinks in a bright light and scrolls down the screen as though it is analyzing the situation.

"There is a vent on the left wall near the roof," the AI says in her cool voice. "It will take you above a drop ceiling."

The spider navigates to the vent as quickly as possible and pries it off the wall before slipping in like a ghost. Clinging to a beam, he pries a ceiling tile open the slightest amount. Below, a bleeding man sits against a wall clutching his shoulder, the wound blurred out. Three women sit opposite him against the front counter, crying and shivering with fright. Three men in black with bullet proof vests and balaclavas covering their faces stalk the area holding assault rifles. Targets flare around them in red.

"KAREN, trip mine," the arachnid breathes.

"Trip mine," she confirms and a tiny icon on screen appears with the number two next to it to indicate the number currently on his person ready to deploy.

He carefully aims at the wall across from them and fires both, hoping at least one would snag a prize. It triggers as soon as it arms and sucks one of the criminals into its clutches. The other two shout in alarm and spin to aim at the arachnid hiding in the ceiling. He shoots one in the face with a blob of web and he is immediately distracted, leaving Spidey to deal with the third with a boot to the face.

"Doing a little shopping, are we?" Spider-Man asks good-naturedly as the man staggers back from the blow and webs him to the wall as he collides with it. Just as he turns to deal with the third man, one of the women sobs and makes a break for the door. As luck would have it, the final criminal tears free of the web in his face and takes aim at her. The target flares urgently around the gunman as he cocks the gun and Spidey can barely be heard muttering, "Ah, shit," before diving in front of her. With a deafening bang, a spike in his pulse, and a grunt, he staggers back slightly before pressing on and disarming the criminal without much trouble. The other two women waste no time and run out of there like wolves are on their heels. Spider-Man immediately moves to the injured man and assesses the damage.

"KAREN, give the cops the all-clear. We need a medic immediately. Are you injured anywhere else sir?" Spider-Man asks him, taking over to press harder on the wound which causes the man to hiss.

"N-no," he chokes out, clenching his eyes shut and pretending to be somewhere else by the looks of it.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you, spider!" One of the gunmen yells at him, wriggling in his cocoon.

"I'll be right with you sir, please wait your turn," he fires back, unconcerned and without looking.

"-----, Dr. Cho has been alerted to the situation and is on standby. You have taken a round to the left bicep and bleeding has not yet begun to slow. I recommend attempting mitigation until you can receive treatment," KAREN states. He ignores her and coordinates with the paramedics and police for several moments until a call comes through, the HUD indicating that it is Tony Stark.

"Decline," he snaps shortly at his AI. It picks up anyway.

"Cute, that you think you can decline my call," Tony drawls.

"I'm a little busy right now, Tony," Spider-Man responds, fending off a paramedic attempting to assess him.

"I heard. I also heard that you got shot again. My favorite," The Avenger says, sounding less than thrilled.

Spidey sighs, "Tattletale. Look, can we not?"

"Heads up, got a guy coming to get you," Tony interrupts, as if Spider-Man hadn't spoken.

"I think not," Spidey fires back.

"Non-negotiable. You're not swinging back here with a bullet in your arm. No arguments." He promptly hangs up.

The vigilante sighs and looks at his bicep to assess the damage. The wound is blurred and his suit is red anyway, so not much can be determined. He clutches at it and leaves the store, accepting the thanks of many of the police officers he passes along the way. He wanders over to the ambulances, where the injured men have been stabilized and moved to.

"They're going to make it," a paramedic says, seeing him come closer. Spidey nods, relieved, and they shut the doors and peel away with a blare of the sirens.

The sound of blades slicing through the air echoes off the nearby buildings and the police, and pedestrians behind the police tape, all look up to see a black helicopter with, "STARK", emblazoned across the side. With a reluctant sigh, he casts a web up to snag onto it with his good arm as it passes over. The pilot ducks his head out, and seeing the arachnid attached, speeds up toward Stark Tower. The lights in the black sky pass dizzyingly below as he hangs there, below the helicopter. All too soon they come to the helipad, where several figures stand. Tony, with his arms crossed, next to Dr. Cho holding bandages, and an assistant nurse, holding the handles of a wheelchair. The hero snorts as he dismounts and lands in front of them.

"Unless that's to transport Tony because he's getting up there in his advanced years, you can forget it," he says, nodding at the chair.

Dr. Cho rolls her eyes and moves forward to begin packing the wound with gauze. They all move inside and down the hallway toward the med bay, Tony stony silent. KAREN, determining he is back from the field, switches the HUD to passive mode, and many of the things on screen deactivate until he is left with a zigzagging pulse and a half full web fluid meter. They enter the med bay with a swoosh of the automatic sliding doors and they deposit him on a bed with pristine white sheets. He sits opposite a set of chrome drawers, which mostly manages to reflect his image back for the camera to see. He reaches up to disengage his suit and Dr. Cho and the nurse peel it down his torso to pool at his hips. His muscled torso is smeared with bright red blood and glistens with perspiration.

The doctor peels back the gauze and accepts a scalpel and a pair of large tweezers from her assistant before turning back to his arm.

"Well, I guess that's probably a good point to end this. Trust me, you don't want to see this. Hope you had fun. MOTHERFU-"

* * *

Comments:

**divvy**

I'll never make fun of him for saving kittens again

**SPendragon**

Anyone else feel the dad vibes spidey was giving off when he was dealing with that kid? My heart <3

**Hayden120504**

So unbelievably cool getting to see what he sees!

**Turtle_rights**

How does he do this?! I tried watching this with my VR headset and threw up all over my desk

**Kindaweirdngl**

Ooooh Tony looks mad

**SMFA15**

But I wanna know what's in that beaker

**one_last_surprise**

Damn that looks stressful

**Maybe2Morrow**

I want a hug from Spidey for my birthday too

**sketchibilitea**

His HUD looks like a videogame

**Moonscar**

"I'll be right with you sir" HAHAHA savage

**Draya09**

Irondad strikes again

**Alexbutalsotrash**

Suck it JJJ, how can you call this guy a menace?! Saving little girls and kittens?!!

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Incapacitating criminals? Have you considered a nice, friendly dismemberment?


	5. Tony's Takeover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've decided Spidey needs a new segment on his YouTube channel," Tony Stark says, sitting in an armchair looking nonchalant. "He doesn't know I'm posting this, but there's no password I can't hack. He'll learn to appreciate my contribution. I'm calling it," he spreads his hands into the air as though it is displayed on a marquee between them, "Tony's Takeover."

"I've decided Spidey needs a new segment on his YouTube channel," Tony Stark says, sitting in an armchair looking nonchalant. "He doesn't know I'm posting this, but there's no password I can't hack. He'll learn to appreciate my contribution. I'm calling it," he spreads his hands into the air as though it is displayed on a marquee between them, "Tony's Takeover. Where I'll post embarrassing videos of our favorite arachnid that he wouldn't want you to see and wouldn't post himself." He smiles maliciously, self satisfied. "Perhaps now he'll think twice before casually spreading a false rumor that I installed chair lifts because I'm too feeble to make it up the stairs on my own, just because he thought it was amusing."

The camera cuts to a view of the Avengers common room from what appears to be surveillance footage in one of the top corners of the room. The fireplace crackles merrily, giving the room a cozy ambiance and suggesting it is later in the evening on a cool day. Pepper Potts lounges on one of the white leather couches, reading a book with her feet, clad in giant wooly socks, resting in Tony Stark's lap. Tony, ever the workaholic, busily flicks through a hologram of what appears to be an Iron Man gauntlet while every now and then lowering his arm and affectionately giving Pepper's feet a squeeze. Off to the side, Sam Wilson and Steve Rogers sit at a card table, casually sipping beer from bottles and playing what looks to be a round of poker.

The peace and silence is abruptly broken as Clint Barton barges through the stair access door, curiously not using the elevator since his floor is several down, and swiftly power walks the length of the room looking spooked but holding back laughter.

Tony lets out a curse at the sudden intrusion, fumbling his tablet and clutching his chest in fright.

"Jesus Christ, Barton, give me a heart attack while you're at it."

"Don't mind me. Just passing through. I wasn't even here."

They all stare, baffled, as Clint jumps up on the card table, prompting the soldiers to scramble for their beer lest it spill, and jump up to grasp onto a beam running the length of the ceiling. He nimbly swings himself up and the camera adjusts to follow his progress, FRIDAY obviously deeming his actions suspicious enough to get on camera. With another jump, he pushes a vent open in the high ceiling.

"What in the world-" Tony asks exasperatedly.

A final jump and the archer grasps hold of the sides of the vent and in a second pulls himself through and replaces the cover as if he was never there.

Not a moment later, another body charges through the stairwell door with a crash, and stomps into the room like an angry bull giving Tony another fright and causing Pepper to drop her novel on her face.

"Where is he?!" The man demands, enraged. His face is blurred and the voice sounds slightly distorted, suggesting that this is likely Spider-Man out of suit. Strangely, he is shirtless, barefoot, and wearing a pair of light sweatpants. The pants hang low off his hips but reveal no waistband, suggesting he's commando and pulled on the pants in a hurry while previously naked.

"Who?" Sam asks, despite knowing exactly who he's talking about.

"He's here, isn't he?" Spider-Man stalks forward and starts opening cupboard doors and peering behind furniture, looking intent on murder.

"Alright, calm down, -----," Cap says, the audio bleeping out his use of the vigilante's real name as he stands up to try to placate him. "I'm sure there's no need for all this. Let's address this maturely."

"Maturely?!" Spidey snarls, rounding on the super soldier. "Are you kidding me right now? Clint just barged in on me in my _locked_ room to play a prank on me and you're calling _me_ immature?"

A muffled snort drifts out from the vent and Spider-Man growls and grabs the TV remote from the table in front of him and lobs it viciously at the vent cover with impeccable aim. The loud clang startles a yelp out of the hiding Avenger that morphs into childish laughter.

"You realize I'm Spider-Man, right? There's nowhere you can hide in this building that I can't get to you," the arachnid seethes and Clint's laughter doubles, prompting him to look at Tony. "Do something about this or I swear to God I will."

Tony sighs and puts down his tablet, standing up with his hands held in a placating gesture. Pepper mutters something barely audible about men being children and goes back to reading her book.

"Barton, locked rooms are locked for a reason. I shouldn't have to lecture you about violating anyone's privacy," Tony says, sounding like a tired dad.

"In my defense, I thought he was out patrolling," Clint chokes out through the vent.

"Alright so he was being an idiot, but it was a mistake. Why are you so upset? No harm done." Steve pipes in, trying to diffuse the situation.

Spidey crosses his arms in defiance and remains silent to preserve whatever dignity he has left but Clint slides open the vent and gleefully proclaims, "Because I barged in on him boning his scary lady friend!"

Pepper rolls her eyes and leaves the room as Sam and Tony burst into laughter. Spidey growls and inhumanly leaps upwards to grasp onto the beam under the vent, muscles bulging, and Clint yelps in fright. Steve attempts to prevent a bloodbath and jumps up to hug Spidey's legs and keep him from climbing into the vent. In the process, he accidentally tugs the vigilante's pants down enough to expose a sliver of the top of his ass cheeks, proving he was in fact commando.

At the sight of Spider-Man's nudity, Tony and Sam laugh even harder.

"Can't make this shit up, man," Sam says after calming down some. "Feels like living in a goddamn frat house."

Tony wipes the tears of mirth from his eyes and shouts over the sounds of Spider-Man and Captain America struggling, "FRI!"

The intelligent AI needs no further instruction and blasts a piercing air horn that rattles their skulls and causes the two enhanced heroes to drop and clutch their ears in agony.

"I hate this family," Spider-Man moans, rolling onto his back, defeated.

"Legolas, I believe you have something to say?" Tony prompts into the silence.

Clint giggles childishly but manages to master himself at Tony's stern look and apologises.

"And?" Tony says, waiting for more.

"And please tell your scary partner that I'm sorry too."

"I can't," Spidey grits through clenched teeth, "She left."

Clint starts laughing all over again. "Man, cockblocking you is way funnier than the prank I was planning to do in the first place."

Spidey sighs, sounding dead inside, and rams his head back into the hardwood floor in an attempt to put himself out of his misery.

"I hate this family," he repeats.

* * *

Comments:

**battybat**

Omg poor pepper, it must be a nightmare living with all of them all the time

**rowboat**

HAHAHA I didn't think I'd be watching wholesome Spidey get cockblocked but here we are

**burritobuster**

Ngl but it's totally throwing me off balance to know he was having sex. I kinda just picture him lecturing kids to stay in school and walking grannies to their house 24/7

**sandwich**

How frustrated must poor spidey be to be that ready to rip hawkeye's head off? Hahahahaha

**KoOkOo_523**

Crazy seeing spiderman jump that high without his suit!

**Dream_Keeper**

I'd hide too if that was chasing after me. Spiderman is SWOLE

**Maddie673**

She LEFT?! GIRL! Go back there and climb that beast or I will!

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Frustrated is a good look on you baby boy. If you ever wanna rip my head off, you've got my number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please drop me a line and let me know you enjoyed yourself! Also, if you have any ideas or requests for posts Spidey can make on his YouTube channel, please feel free to leave them in the comments.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please drop me a line and let me know you enjoyed yourself! Also, if you have any ideas or requests for posts Spidey can make on his new YouTube channel, please feel free to leave them in the comments.
> 
> I've just started tumblr, @jenniboo311. I'll be occasionally posting sneak peeks and stuff, so feel free to come find me! :)


End file.
